The Meeting and The Meeting after The Meeting

First, a couple of housekeeping points:

1. I'm going to start calling Max's teacher The Teacher.  I came up with Mrs. Carrow in a moment of unkindness (for anyone who missed the reference, the Carrows are from the later Harry Potter books, they come into the school after Snape becomes headmaster to handle discipline through torture).  I came up with the moniker in a moment of anger and quite possibly after a glass of wine and it wasn't sitting well with me. 

2. Here is the major take home message from the meetings, and what I don't want lost, whether anyone agrees or disagrees with the choices we are making for Max.

We are extremely fortunate to have so many people in our school who care so much for our son.  For his education and for his well-being and for who he is as a person.  Every person came into that meeting focused on his best interests.  And that includes The Teacher. 

The Meeting

In the meeting were the special ed teacher (the woman I had contacted), the speech therapist whom Max had worked with last year, the school psychiatrist, The Teacher, and me.  Everyone had varying levels of information about Max's background so we started with me giving an extremely brief run through of birth to now, touching mostly on what I considered to be the major points - Max's tendency to be very adult-centric and rigid with rules.  We discussed the behaviors of concern at home and I learned about a few things that were going on in the classroom.  I was a little less than thrilled this was the first I was hearing of that. 

Since the most pressing issue in the classroom is the shirt-chewing we talked a lot about that and ways of helping him with that behavior.  An idea - giving him a 'fidgit' object- was presented, with some resistance from The Teacher since she didn't want to hand out twenty objects.  In the end she agreed along with some pointers for handling the other kids when they asked about it.  She was also asked to start making a note of what was happening in the classroom when Max was chewing on his shirt so we could eventually address the problem.  And small update: Two days in, we've gone from Max coming home with the entire front of his shirt drenched to a slight chew pattern on his collar. 

We went through other sources of stress for Max and how we might help.  Max dislikes writing and there's a lot of it this year, but The Teacher was not enthused at this time with J.'s suggestion of letting him keyboard some of his work.  She is agreeable to relaxing some of her standards with him right now, which was fine with me; I continue to work with him on spelling and grammar at home, but when I know he's getting tired I let him work on content instead.  Homework, overall, is not a source of stress.  He enjoys it. 

We talked a lot about the crying at drop off.  What I hadn't known is that Max had cried in the classroom, too, claiming to miss either me or his hamster.  The Teacher, to her credit, had handled the situations in the classroom well, although I wish I had been informed.  This, though, was the hardest part for me.  Sitting in front of this room full of people and having to explain to them with the limitations of the way Max's brain functions, he's giving an excuse.  He's not missing me because he's never had an issue separating from me.  Or he was being very literal.  He misses me exactly as much as he misses the hamster.  I don't even like to think about it because it breaks my heart.  It's not really something I wanted to explain.  

We haven't come up with a clear plan for the morning yet.  The Teacher offered to let him come into her room and do some busy work in there and he might take her up on that.  I'd rather he were on the playground so I'm still pushing him towards approaching friends out there.  We may try to find a middle ground.  In the meantime, however, I had been working on not being so grabby with the other kids and I have discovered that six year old boys are a forgiving lot.  One boy who kept brushing him off two weeks ago is now his "BFF."  As the kids say, apparently. 

In the end, we came up with: the fidget, multiple check-ins (from the psychiatrist and the special ed teacher), an offer to join a social skills group with the speech teacher which Max has decided he'd like to do.  I'm volunteering more; my plan is to be with his class about once a week or so.  We'll regroup in a few weeks. 

As far as The Teacher goes, her response to the meeting, I felt, was generally positive.  She was upset ("devastated" was the word the special ed teacher used when she was first informed of all of this) by Max's regression and she did immediately assume that she probably had something to do with it.  She apologized profusely.  She asked what she had done, what she could do differently. 

I didn't answer her directly. 

I did not absolve her. 

I did point out what I had seen when I was in working with the class that one morning, though, and how I thought some of what happened might have affected Max.  She had changed some things since I was last in, but really it was just more punishment-type behavior, and I didn't see it being helpful (to Max, anyway, I know it's just going to cause him more stress).  I desperately wanted to talk to the special ed teacher alone at this point, but I didn't see how I could make that happend and we'd already gone twice over the allotted time. 

The Meeting after The Meeting

J. met Max out in line the next morning.  Kind of to check on Max.  Also, she knew there was more and I think she wanted to give me the opportunity to finish.  So I told her the rest.  I told her what comes out when we aren't questioning Max, when he doesn't realize what he's actually telling us.  About book corners and lines.  About how once Max realizes we're paying a lot of attention to what he's saying he shuts down. 

To be honest, she didn't seem that surprised.  She's planning on spending more time in the room, working on positive reinforcement.  She also thinks Max being singled out for more attention (from The Teacher and from the various other professionals in the school) will help. 

I explained that I couldn't say that in The Meeting because I didn't want to be an unwelcome presence in the classroom.  It's still so early in the year and I think Max is going to need me in there.  She understood, although it wasn't her impression that The Teacher would likely hold a grudge.  I wasn't sure and I wasn't willing to take the risk right now. 

And I did say I thought she was an excellent teacher, because she is.  And Max really loves her, and she seems to like Max a lot. 

Well, she said, you can't help but love Max.

 

 

 

Comments

[SarcastiCarrie]

I am so glad you have a plan. I always feel better with a plan. Even a loose plan.

I am also glad everyone is taking it as seriously as you are and not brushing your concerns off. That must feel validating (and relieving).

[AM]

That is really wonderful, the end especially.

[Jill]

It's exhausting, being an advocate for your kid. You're doing a great job.

[Annie]

What Jill said. Times ten.

[marathon mom]

I haven't been over here for awhile but I just wanted to let you know that it sounds like you are doing a phenomenal job. Max is one lucky kid.